BIG DECISION

I am very good at putting on a charade that I am perfectly fine, happy and enjoying life.  In the evening of Wednesday 20^th February 2013 my charade came tumbling down around me as I sat in the middle of my bedroom floor in floods of tears. 

My tipping point was when I received, in one single week starting 18^th February, one piece of coursework due in on 1^st March, four pieces for 22^nd March and another expected in on 22^nd April. I desperately wanted all of this to be possible, but I knew deep in the pit of my stomach and in the recesses of my heart that this was not.

University had simply become too much; I was constantly tired from working hard, commuting and being optimistic, frustrated from being unable to keep up and the length of time it took me to complete work, I was therefore becoming increasingly further behind, scared I would not be able to meet the coursework deadlines and was continually stressed that I would fail my five module exams in June 2013, three of which I learnt about one and a half years ago. I also wanted the fun, happy student life that was not available to me. On top of which I was fed up of feeling like a failure, inadequate, utterly hopeless and plain exhausted.

I sobbed into my mother’s arms for hours, terrified my health was relapsing and having another break down. All I wanted was for everything to go away.  I didn’t want the dark, black clouds to close in and suffocate me once more, like they had done this time last year.

Until Friday 22^nd February, just the thought of returning to university was enough for me to burst into tears. That Friday morning I had to see my cranial osteopath and I spent all my effort trying not to cry on the train to and from the appointment. 

However that Friday afternoon, I was fortunate to have a private appointment with a CFS/ME Coach and Nutrionist, who had suffered with the illness for many years and through a healthy lifestyle, recovered.  We were on the phone for more than an hour chatting about my diet and current situation. By talking to this lovely lady I felt much calmer, relieved, not alone and in all, much more certain and happier about the decision that I had to make. To me, this kind lady is my guardian angel.  She has given me a new lease of energy and most importantly, refreshed my outlook and hope in life.

After speaking with various university personnel and exploring the few options offered, I made the decision once again, to interrupt my studies on Friday 22^nd and officially on Monday 25^th February.  Despite having no alternative, this was still a very difficult decision for me to make.

I have been told that if I want to recover I must remove the stress hormones flowing through my body, by cutting out everything that causes me emotional and physical stress. Stopping university is therefore a very good start.

Part of physical stress is caused by diet and I have therefore further modified mine, in order to start growing very healthy cells. It takes one whole year to re-build your brain cells, eight weeks for your liver, one month for skin and five days for your guts. I will start feeling better soon, but it will be at least one whole year until I finally feel ‘full of beans’. I am very much looking forward to this moment, as I have forgotten what it feels like to be full energy.

Another crucial part to my recovery is happiness, so the question I now ask myself is: 

WHAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY?

With all this in mind, I have decided to slightly modify the content of my blog. The essence of ‘Lilly Wild’s Weekly Whimsy’ will continue to be about my journey to recovery and will feature my ‘weekly whimsy’, because I look forward to planning and embarking on my weekly mini-adventure! However it will also include; posts about my diet and how it effects my body and mind, how I push my boundaries and what it does to me, how I will answer my question about happiness and a lot MORE!!!! 

Ultimately I want my blog to help other students who find themselves in a similar position to me. I do not want another student to feel that they are climbing the Sossusvlei sand dunes in Namibia alone.  I have tried both and they are equally difficult, but climbing the dunes in a group was a lot of fun and not lonely at all.